Coping With A Mother That Ruins Your Self-Esteem

When Your Mother Ruins Your Self-Esteem

As a girl growing up a lot of your self-worth is learned from your mother. But when there is no love between the two all you learn is how to hate yourself. All you learn are the faults she sees, so that’s how you measure yourself up to everyone else. If she sees nothing why would you be anything? That relationship between a mother and daughter is an immeasurable link to your confidence.  So what happens when the person that is suppose to help build up your confidence as a young girl strips it away?  Where do you learn to be confident from?

I think that’s where the importance websites like Empowering Women Now come into play. There is an incredible community of confident & empowered women. If I would’ve had this or something like it I would’ve been happier, I know I would’ve been. I would’ve learned, self-worth is something YOU make, not what someone gives to you. Having a community like this around can definitely teach you how to self-love because there is a constant support system telling you, your existence is of significance.

I know if I felt this way and continue to feel this way in my late 20’s, I can’t be the only one. So with that in mind, I wanted to share a couple things I wrote on the issue. Mainly because I don’t want another young girl/woman going through this and feeling alone. I want you to know that.

My Mother’s Love
My mother’s love isn’t dedicated
to my sister and I.
She pretends what I felt
never was her fault.
My mother’s love
wasn’t meant for me
because it was always theirs.
My mother’s love was never mine.
But my love is dedicated to her,
When she struggles
I find a way
Even when I have nothing.
My mother’s love is dedicated to her boys
Boys who leave and take with them
all they can.
All the while I only wanted something in return.

My Daughter’s Love
My mother’s love taught me
to love you more.
My mother’s love
was not mine,
but I saw what it could be with a boy
My mother’s love,
showed me how to
Truly love you
My daughter
You will not feel less than
you will always be equal
because my love
cannot be separated
between the two.

The writer of this post requested to remain anonymous. It took her so much courage to write this post & I truly respect her sharing her story with us. I know that she is not alone. Did you have someone close to you strip away your self confidence? How did you deal with it? I would love to hear your response in the comments down below.



  1. Dear anonymous writer,  

    Your narcissistic mother hasn’t received the maternal empathy every child deserves. Mom wants to be the center of attention—the one everyone desires, and you become an extension of her need to show off.  Are you pretty enough? Are you smart enough? Are you too heavy or too thin? And, how about your hair? To add to the confusion, a narcissistic mother may compete with you as well, especially because of your youth. It’s a double bind.

    She might even tell you that she’s a great mother.  As children we believe everything our mother tells us to be true. Self-esteem is therefore damaged by the lies we believed. You haven’t been validated for who you are; instead you’ve been ducking her judgments or pleasing her. When you try to individuate, it’s a fight. And, sometimes, that’s the best solution.

    Love for yourself has its origins in sensing the love of your parents. This is damage that’s hard to undo. 

    It isn’t easy dealing with a narcissistic mother, because of the lasting impressions she can leave on you. But it is possible to survive and rise above her behavior. My advice to you is to look at others around you—like your father, significant other, even your siblings or friends who appreciate you just the way you are. The best way to teach your daughter is by example. Love yourself, grow your self-esteem and show her what it is like to be a confident woman. 

    Keep on shinin’ 

    Selene Kinder

  2. OMG! Thank U for letting me know what was going on!!! I never realized it!!! Not until I got into 12 Step Programs to deal w/ the consequences of my violent father’s alcoholism, did I begin to understand more of my own “stinkin’ thinkin'”! And now, jst t’day I realized that my mom’s teen experiences in a Siberian Collective Farm (instead of high school) might explain why she wasn’t a very nice person! And did everything in her power to undermine my happy marriage and young family and relationships with my daughters!!! Thus leaving me alone and abandoned and disinherited from anyone/”family”!

  3. I’ve suffered from my narcisstic mother too….and never understood her hurtful behaviour, until it was recommended that I read “Daughters of Narcisstic Mothers”. Suddenly it made sense. I knew it wasn’t my fault, she would never change, every interaction was likely t9 be hurtful, and I didn’t have to feel guilty about not having anything to do with her. At 55 years old…peace at last.

  4. Im about 17 years old, i have suffered for the past 5 years from hurtful words coming out from my mother and of course my older sister. i have a narcissistic sister, but my mother?i dont even know how and what to describe her. im so confused as to why she is being both selfish and selfless, my mum works cooks does the laundry cleans the house buys the groceries and does everything by herself without the help of any of her children including me tho i might be more helping to ma than my elder sister, she never asks of me anything on the other hand she use to make fun of my nose she and my sister stabbing me with the most hurtful words ever coming out like sharp razors, i cried every night crying myself to sleep hating myself hating my face hating my nose mostly hating my ma and my sis they laughed at me building their self esteem by grinding and destroying mine ive grown up lacking the love and respect i shouldve been given, i didnt have no friends i studied home so i never really got to make friends so imagine having a mother that doesnt like talking to you and a sister who ignores you and doesnt like talking to you either and no friends!. i have solitude now i dont like anyone i dont like myself i have had depression severe one and my mum used to mock me for it my sister never gave a shit for how i felt tho when my sister cries or gets upset i never leave her side guess its not the same for both sides, im still suffering i thought of rhino plastic surgery but then my family cant afford it so guess im just gonna live with it.

    1. Hi Rawan, I can relate to your experience. My advice is to take all the love that you have for them and shower it on yourself. Stick up and stand up for yourself. Be your own hero. Don’t let them put you down anymore. Stop being there for your sister and practice telling them the truth about them selves. Be authentic to you, respect yourself and don’t ever allow anyone to disrespect you, Not even your mother and if that means that you may have to distance yourself from her… Be strong and create distance. Don’t be afraid of being alone… Embrace it… Find strength in it and hold your head up high at all times. Fine the beauty in yourself and flaunt it proudly. I wish you love and happiness on your journey. You got this and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!

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